LOS ANGELES, CA- Hollywood celebrities and prominent politicians are dropping support for the Bernie Sanders campaign after it was discovered he is planning a “Twitter follower redistribution program.” In an overheard conversation secretly recorded and released to TMZ, Bernie was heard saying to a friend- “Twitter has created a caste system on social media with the blue checkmark. It’s not fair that the millionaires and the billionaires have more of a voice and an influence on the national conversation.” Further on in the conversation, he was recorded saying, “and it’s not fair that Alyssa Milano has 3.6 million followers, but Melissa Alano, a Portland Antifa organizer, has only 36.”
News of the damaging tape quickly went viral with celebrities and politicians forcefully announcing outrage at such a proposal. “I worked hard for my 600K followers and blue checkmark,” said Debra Messing, who is an actress or something like that. “It represents years of hard work clawing my way to the top. This influence is hard-won, and I deserve to keep it! HOW DARE HE!” she said before quickly sending off another tweet picturing her $485 champagne brunch with a #Warren2020 hashtag.
Bernie campaign spokesmen have clarified that while Bernie does advocate giving everyone a blue checkmark and equal amount of twitter followers, he will remedy this by offering a state-issued “red checkmark” to top-tier influencers who the party approves of. Debra Messing and the rest of the Hollywood elite breathed a collective sigh of relief.
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