ATLANTA, GA- On the heels of a devastating report claiming the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru is one of the slowest in the fast-food industry, it was reported that CEO Dan Cathy called an emergency meeting of senior leadership in their Atlanta headquarters to brainstorm opportunities for improvement.
After an extended time of prayer and supplication, some senior management suggested that maybe it was time to stick to serving the chicken without the additional perks Chick-Fil-A offers with every meal. “What if we stopped doing free oil changes and shoulder rubs?” suggested the Northeast regional VP. The rest of the team winced, but in their hearts, they knew he was right.
“This is so disappointing.” said local mom of four Rachel Werner. “Last time I drove through Chick-Fil-A, they cleaned my van, changed my kids’ diapers, rocked them to sleep, and provided free marriage counseling for me and my husband. It saved our marriage. It’s sad to know we will have to do without these lovely extras we’ve become used to.”
In a statement to the press, Dan Cathy expressed his confidence that these changes will speed up service without sacrificing the excellent quality Chick-Fil-A is known for. “Our drive-thru workers will now be limited to one ‘my pleasure’ and two hugs per customer,” he said. Fortunately, Chick-Fil-A will still be offering coupons for free oil changes redeemable at your nearest Christian mechanic.
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