HEAVEN – While remaining tight-lipped about upcoming plans, spokesmen for the Almighty did reveal today that droughts, blackouts, and wildfires only comprised what they ominously referred to as “phase 1” for California.
Said one spokesman from the Department of Plagues and Judgement (DPJ), “California is a special case, so we can’t just go through the motions with usual stuff. I can’t reveal details, but I will say: zombies are on the table.”
Some had said that, after covering San Francisco in human waste, DPJ wouldn’t be able top themselves. But sources in the department say that the next step is just a matter of timing. “When you pull out something like zombies, you really want to make sure people notice,” said one highly placed source, “and in California, frankly there are times when a zombie invasion might go completely unnoticed — for instance during major riots, Super Bowl weekends, or Comic-Con. So, needless to say, timing is crucial.”
When asked if there were other plans beyond zombies, the source replied, “Definitely. When you look at what Gavin Newsom’s doing to the place, we have to stay on our toes to keep up.”
This report was contributed by The Petty Prophet’s intrepid correspondent-at-large Jason Anderson. Jason is currently reporting from the post-apocalyptic wasteland of California, where the shadows lie. He is the creator of the blog The Cynical Christian, a contributor to The Federalist, and author of the book Zero-Budget Christmas: The Almost Entirely True Story of Our Quest to Do Our Christmas Shopping Without Spending Any Money.
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