LANSING, MI – Michigan’s Governor Gretchen Whitmer spent some quality time relieving stress today after a long week of rounding up home gardeners and locking them in her stone castle dungeons. According to sources, her favorite computer game is The Sims, since it offers endless ways to torture helpless populations again and again.
“Being a governor is hard,” she told The Petty Prophet. “Michiganders are insistent on living their daily lives even though I clearly told them not to. Playing The Sims is a great way to blow off some steam at the end of a tough day of banning paint and children’s toys.”
Governor Whitmer then showed us how she loves to trap all her sims in their houses by deleting the doors. She then removes all toilets so the sims are forced to soil themselves and die of sickness or infection. She then sets them on fire while laughing maniacally.
Sources say that Governor Whitmer is testing some new bans on her sims before officially rolling them out across the state. She is currently entertaining possible bans on fun, happiness, and buying more than one Little Debbie snack cake at gas stations.
Thankfully, there are some signs that she is beginning to relax some of these bans. Today, she announced that gardening tools can be purchased as long as they are used in an abortion. Additionally, Michiganders can now purchase plants as long as they promise to roll them up in paper and smoke them.
Thank you Governor Whitmer, for protecting us all!
