VATICAN – With the earth trying harder than ever to destroy humanity, the Pope stepped up on Earth Day to quell the wrath of Gaia and restore peace to all of nature. Dressed in a green pope uniform and colorful floral pope hat, Pope Francis took the stage in the Vatican and performed a swirling, graceful interpretive dance to appease the spirits.
Onlookers began to mock as the Pope danced faster and faster, desperately trying to make the spirits happy. “Maybe Gaia is sleeping,” one man said. “You should chant louder!” Francis responded by chanting John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ in Latin while cutting himself with an ancient Aztec ceremonial knife.
According to sources within the Vatican, the Pope plans to continue this dance until midnight tonight. In addition, he will replace his pope-mobile with an electric scooter, offer absolution to every Catholic who supports the Green New Deal, and announce the ban of all plastic rosaries.
The Petty Prophet reached out to the Virgin Mary for comment. She simply responded with a ‘facepalm’ emoji.
