MINNEAPOLIS MN- A local 7th grade teacher has been placed on administrative leave after it was revealed she used class time to tell students their lives are infinitely valuable and have meaning. The ACLU stepped up calls to fire the teacher after several concerned parents came forward to question whether the separation of church and state had been violated by the teacher’s in-class encouragement.
“Public schools are no place to promote personal religious beliefs to impressionable young students,” said the ACLU lawyer who filed the complaint. “Science clearly tells us that we are meaningless meat-robots spinning in a completely deterministic universe. There is no meaning, no objective right or wrong, no hope, and no purpose. Thus saith Darwin, blessings be unto his name.”
A concerned parent who wishes to remain anonymous said “This talk of meaning and value seems to clearly be a back-door attempt to sneak religion into our schools. A wall of holy separation between church and state must ne’er be crossed. It has been so decreed by The Nine Supreme Kings. May they live forever. At least the progressive ones. The rest can die.”
While it is not yet clear exactly what words were used in the teacher’s alleged religious lecture on school grounds, we know that meaning and value cannot logically be invoked without eventually admitting the existence of some objective truth or transcendent lawgiver. Therefore, it’s safe to say the teacher did indeed attempt to influence her class with religious dogma.
Sources say that the teacher’s moving speech ignited a fire of light and hope in the hearts of the entire class, prevented 8 future abortions, and 2 future mass shootings. School administrators were quickly on-hand to deliver doses of Zoloft and Paxil to extinguish said fires of light and hope before they got too big.
Praise Be.
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