ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control has issued new guidelines for dealing with the sniffles and the sneezes that have brought the most powerful nation on earth to a grinding halt. Their new recommendation to the public is that we all just stay in our homes and never do anything with anyone ever again.
“When we looked into it more closely, we realized the Coronavirus isn’t the only threat out there,” said Robert Redfield, CDC director. “Do you realize all the terrible stuff that can happen to you out there? 3287 people die in car crashes EVERY DAY! There’s lightning, bears, muggers, mountain lions, falling trees, influenza, no one told me the world was so terrifying!”
Director Redfield barely finished his statement before retreating to a fort in his living room made of toilet paper and dousing himself with hand sanitizer.
Since the world is such a scary place, and CNN anchors are quarantined at home and unable to tell us how to protect ourselves, experts have determined the best course of action is to cancel everything and remain secluded until you die of natural causes.
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