RICHMOND, VA – Governor Ralph Northam has recently taken time off from defending infanticide to confiscate the guns of law-abiding citizens in his home state. This has angered the unwashed, toothless deplorables from the Appalachian hills, and also everyone else, who on Monday, will be emerging from the woods to descend on the capital to speak up for America’s sacred right to bear arms.
Tensions were further escalated last week when the governor declared a state of emergency in anticipation of the protest, temporarily banning all legal firearms from the capital on the day of the demonstration.
Resourceful Virginians have already found a way around this ban by bringing back an American classic: tar and feathers. On Saturday night, a mysterious truck pulled up to the steps of the capitol building with 20 tons of bubbling black tar and 100 pounds of fluffy feathers. CNN took a break from passing out props like nazi armbands and tiki torches to bystanders at the event to film the massive truck as it rolled up.
A visibly nervous Governor Northam prepared to evacuate to an underground bunker last night to avoid his just desserts, but he breathed a sigh of relief when told that the truck was only carrying replacement feathers for his royal comforter and a fresh replenishment of blackface for his next costume party.
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