WASHINGTON, DC – In a press release today, the Washington Post announced that they have been forced to delay the start of their much-anticipated “Ask an Austere Islamic Scholar” advice column. The release stated that the delay was due to “circumstances beyond our control and unforeseeable by our austere, gentle, bookish, peace-loving columnist.”
While the press release was light on details, the Post did indicate that they were seeking a new columnist. They said qualifications for the replacement columnist must include, “extensive knowledge of the Koran, good writing ability, and an escape tunnel that doesn’t dead-end like some idiot would build.”
The Post also said that once the column starts running in the paper, it will provide, “thoughtful advice from an Islamic point-of-view, and coded messages to coordinate upcoming terrorist operations. Wait, that last part shouldn’t go in the press release, make sure you edit it out later.”
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This report was contributed by The Petty Prophet’s intrepid correspondent-at-large Jason Anderson. Jason is currently reporting as a mole deep within the murky bowels of The Washington Post. He is the creator of the blog The Cynical Christian, a contributor to The Federalist, and author of the book Zero-Budget Christmas: The Almost Entirely True Story of Our Quest to Do Our Christmas Shopping Without Spending Any Money.
