WASHINGTON DC – The Labor Department today released a disturbing report describing how the glut of demand for Hallmark Christmas movies is leading to frightening shortfalls in the labor market for the most commonly-required movie archetypes.
The report stated, in part, “High demand for Quirky Friends (including subcategories “Overweight” and “Gangly Awkward”) and Scruffy-But-Handsome Wilderness Guides/Dog Trainers/Handymen is leading to a labor shortfall that is likely to result in a Hallmark movie shortage that could have devastating economic effects.”
The report went on to say that the shortage could result in skyrocketing costs to consumers for existing movies. One top Labor Department economist said, “I don’t want to cause a panic, but according to my calculations, by mid-December, the cost of viewing a Hallmark Christmas movie one time could go from free to $1.7 billion dollars. Give or take.”
Asked to comment on the situation, president of Quirky Friends Amalgamated Union Local 105 Hanna Stobak expressed concern. “OMG, that sounds serious!” she said. “But like I always say, the key to solving most problems is lower standards. Are you going to finish those fries?”
We also attempted to reach the spokesman for Scruffy Workers International for a comment, but calls went unanswered and we are afraid he might just be ignoring us. Which stands to reason, because we just feel so bloated and gross lately. I mean, ugh, why would he want to talk to us, right?
This report was contributed by The Petty Prophet’s intrepid correspondent-at-large Jason Anderson. He is the creator of the blog The Cynical Christian, a contributor to The Federalist, and author of the book Zero-Budget Christmas: The Almost Entirely True Story of Our Quest to Do Our Christmas Shopping Without Spending Any Money.
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