In an ongoing effort to increase the misery of millions of damned souls, Satan has announced a brand new, more horrifying level of eternal punishment.
In this new “10th Circle,” reserved for the worst of the worst, condemned souls will be forced to install new car seats in the third rows of minivans, over and over again, for all eternity.
“We’ve had to adjust with the times,” stated the office of public relations for the Prince of Darkness. “With evil men and seducers waxing worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived, we are constantly researching new and innovative torments to fit the increased levels of unhinged depravity we’re observing on earth.”
Technicians working on the new torture reported that they are experimenting with different car seats and vans for maximum frustration while installing the equipment. For added anguish, the condemned will even be asked to install the car seats during inclement conditions like freezing rain or pitch darkness.
During a live demo that was shown at the press release, the condemned test subject fumbled through piles of french fries and used booger wipes to find that little metal seat-anchor thingy deep in the crevices of the back seat. After 3.2 hours of struggle and muttered curse words, he finally stepped back to observe his handiwork, turning to the technician with a hopeful look on his face. The technician broke into an evil grin and said, “Wrong seat. Johnny doesn’t like sitting next to the window. Please move it over.”
There is good news, however. Jesus’ all-sufficient atonement for your sins on the cross makes it possible to avoid this horrible fate, at least in the next life. For now, you’re still stuck moving the car seat from the car to the van every morning before work. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.
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