NEW YORK – The Pulitzer Prize committee today announced this year’s winner for their prize in investigative journalism: a big rock in West Virginia with the phrase “Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” spray-painted on it in three-foot-high letters.
“We were impressed both by the rock’s commitment to publicizing hard truths and by its tenacity in doing so,” said committee chair Grantham Wolcott. “It’s a rock that belongs among the greats in American investigative journalism.”
Committee member and Columbia journalism professor Ted Poole echoed those sentiments, saying, “Really, by sitting there in the West Virginia woods and expressing that simple message, the rock put itself head and shoulders above the rest of the field. If it had its own CNN show, I would definitely watch.”
Runners-up to the rock included Dalia Wong-Djibouti, for her six-part expose in the New York Times about waxing salons that serially overcharge post-operative trans lesbians who want their bikini area waxed in the shape of characters from Spongebob Squarepants; and former conservative pundit Claude Carter for his ongoing series in The Atlantic, “Yucky Things that Trump Probably Smells Like.”
When contacted for comment on his victory, the rock remained stoic. stating only, “Epstein didn’t kill himself.”
This report was contributed by The Petty Prophet’s intrepid correspondent-at-large Jason Anderson. He is the creator of the blog The Cynical Christian, a contributor to The Federalist, and author of the book Zero-Budget Christmas: The Almost Entirely True Story of Our Quest to Do Our Christmas Shopping Without Spending Any Money.
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Listening to the three of you talking about your “guilty pleasures,” I think I now understand what it must have been like for Father John Staupitz hearing Martin Luther’s daily confession.
LOL